I have been through alot of emotional ups and downs from my husband in the last few months. He has done things that he shouldn't have ever done, He threated to divorce me after he cheated on me for 4 nights, drug this other girl on. I drove out to California, 33 hr drive to be with him after only having 7 hours to pack after I decided that I had to go to save my marriage when I didn't do anything! I didn't cheat, I didn't lie to my husband, I didn't do half the shit that he has done. So, yeah, because he has cheated on me, I feel like I am not worthy. I feel like I am not enough. Like I am not wanted even though he tries to be sweet to me...he tries to make me feel like I am the one that he wants. But how can I be ok with al that he has said and has done to me. There is so much more to this then I can put down. He cut my debit card off from the bank when I needed food in the house, diapers were VERY low with our son. And he cut us off from the money to "prove a point" and he "had a plan" that none of us knew anything about. Well shit, there shouldn't have ever been a plan!!
I am so hurt by what he has done, and he doesn't care. He says that he does, but if he did....then why would he be saying that he is getting "bad vibes" when his cousin Willie and I talk?!?! I didn't cheat! I KNOW that two wrongs don't make a right. He already stated that if I cheat on him he would leave me...and he doesn't want me to leave him...He has no answers to any of the questions that I have. How could he go into a chat line and meet this girl? A 4 hr train ride to go see her, an hr drive to her house...you sat at her parents house looking at our pics together...knowing you were wrong. You took your ring off at the Train Station! How could you have done all of this? You have no answers for anything and you expect that I should be done and over what you did?!!? What the hell??? This makes NO sence to me?! Do you not even care?! I don't understand alot in this life...but I sure the hell know what a MARRIED man SHOULD and SHOULDN'T be doing!
I am so unhappy and unsure about my life anymore....I don't know what I want anymore...honestly. I don't know what I want to do. I know that I want to go to college....get a degree in something, make money that is my own. Be with someone that I don't feel like I am not good enough for. Thats what I feel wjhen I am with Nathan. I don't feel good enough. I don't feel worthy enough...otherwise why would you cheat on me? Why would you purposely fight with me on the phone, less then a minute later you would call her, talk to her for an hour and then call me back?! Acting all happy and good....Yeah, she sure cheered your ass up. Now lets make nice with the Wife! I am so pissed, I have alot of emotions right now. I am pissed. I am UNHAPPY. I have soo much more to write...but this is all that I can for right now....I will write more later.
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